A little bit of self care.

As a Mum and a person suffering from a chronic pain illness, finding time to just have "me time" can be difficult.

Last month I booked a hair appointment, booked my Mum in to babysit and eagerly awaited the day to come around

That day was today! I had a few hours to myself, doing something much needed and well deserved for myself. It was bliss.

(Awful photo but this is my "before" hair.)

As you can see from the photo, it was fairly long (I've only been growing it for 24 years!) but the ends were totally frazzled. My hairdresser actually told me I had about an inch, maybe two, of healthy hair at the roots. This was not a shock to me. No matter what I try, I just cannot get my hair into good condition. (Any suggestions welcome!)

(My "after" hair!)

The blonde isn't nearly as blonde as I would've liked but the hairdresser was so nervous about bleaching my hair due to it's condition- to the point that she was trying to talk me out of it (unsuccessfully!) I didn't have my normal hairdresser. He knows my hair, he knows that it's not in great condition but he knows that he can still bleach it and it's completely fine afterwards. His words to my hairdresser today "I can bleach the shit out of her hair and for some reason it's totally fine" but Melanie was still nervous and washed it off much sooner than Daniel would've.

Regardless, I really like the colour. It really blends in nicely with the two shades of brown that I chose and it looks less harsh than some of the ombré hair styles I've seen. It's like a caramel-y dark blonde and I'm quite pleased with how well the bleach actually took in the short length of time she left the bleach on for!

She also cut much more off than I'd initially wanted but it really needed to come off. I really do need it all chopping off so it can grow fresh and healthy but that's just never going to happen. 

I left the hairdressers happy. This is a first for me. After a hair appointment, I'm usually indifferent at best. I'm that person that never likes their new hair cut but always thanks the hairdresser with a smile and a tip, while walking out almost in tears haha. Not today though! My hair feels healthier than it has done in over 2 years (that's how long it's been since I last went to a salon!) and the best part is that my fringe looks like it's part of the style and blends in nicely! Instead of looking scruffy as it grows out.

All in all I'm really, really pleased. I've even booked myself another appointment for the end of June for a trim and to have some more blonde put in! 

Today was definitely well needed. I feel like such a different person. Firstly I picked up my brand new glasses this morning (I can finally see again, YAY!) and then I had my hair done. 

Sometimes a few hours alone doing something purely for yourself is just what your soul needs.

Fibromyalgia and me.

Today I got the diagnosis I've been waiting a year for. 

I can officially say- I have Fibromyalgia!

I had countless Doctor's and Hospital appointments, MRI scans, Ultrasounds and Blood tests. I went to two different physiotherapists, was given so many different types of medication that gave me all sorts of awful side effects, I'd been off work sick for 6 months (I've been off sick more than I've actually been at work) and sent away every time with the whole "we can't see or find anything wrong with you. Just take these pills and hope for the best" speech.

I was honestly at breaking point. I was beyond miserable, confused and angry at my body for betraying me like that. I very nearly gave up and blamed myself- telling myself it had to all be in my head, there was no other explanation, right?

Then one day, one very last Doctor's appointment and a desperate plea for somebody to actually listen to me and acknowledge that there was something really wrong with me, I saw a new Doctor. He'd not long started at my surgery (and he's not long out of university/medical school by the looks of him) and he listened to me. He didn't just nod along as Doctors so often do. He listened to my words, asked me questions and he genuinely seemed interested in actually helping me. It took ten minutes with him for him to suggest Fibromyalgia. He explained it all to me and sent off all the necessary referrals. He listened to my concerns and the side effects of all the medication I'd been given and he sat and found me a suitable alternative that was less likely to affect me as drastically as Tramadol, Kapake, Naproxen, Diazepam, Diclofenac and he prescribed me Gabapentin. I'm actually getting along really well with it, it's the only one that seems to help me at all (though it only gives a small bit of relief- but it's better than nothing right?) and I also take Amitriptyline partly for depression and partly to try help with the pain though they don't seem to be doing anything and I'm actually changing my prescription next week.

It took months for my Rheumatology appointment to come through but it was today. I went into the hospital this morning with a heavy heart, thinking he would just send me away like mostly everybody else has but by some sort of miracle- he told me that I do, in fact, have Fibromyalgia.

The relief of finally knowing what is actually wrong with my body was immense. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, this burden and fear of just being plain crazy melted away.

I finally have answers, I can finally talk about my pain and my condition without feeling like a faker or as if my pain doesn't really matter since I hadn't been diagnosed.

I've still got a long way to go and a lot of waiting for appointments left to do. I'm currently waiting for an MRI of my back, and MRI of my neck and spine. I'm on a waiting list for another round of Physiotherapy, I'm waiting for an Orthotics appointment to get inner soles for my flat feet and I have a follow up with my own Doctor in a few weeks.

It's been a long, long process and I can't even count the amount of times I've sat and sobbed, feeling pathetic and lazy, feeling insane, feeling like a terrible person and mother. I can now put those feelings away. I am sick- it may not be visible to others, I may not look sick but I have an illness. A chronic pain illness. I have a wide range of symptoms and they can show up at any time of day in any combination and the pain levels vary from minute to minute. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and more often than not, I'm still staring at the clock at 4am (and I have a toddler to get up with!) so I've been running on fumes mostly.

It feels so strange to be so happy at being told I have Fibromyalgia but I'm in such a good place right now, I'm feeling positive and better than I have done in weeks (despite the fact my  pain is actually worsening day by day) and I have many ideas of how to change my lifestyle to try and heal my mind, if not my body.

I'll be posting more about the ways I'm dealing with my Fibromyalgia and I'd love to hear any feedback from anybody in a similar position to me. I'm always happy to hear any help and advice too.

I just want to make sure that everybody knows not to give up. If you think that you have a problem please speak up, please ask for second, third, fourth- even fifth(!) opinions if you're not happy. Challenge the medications they prescribe you if they're not working for you and most of all- believe in yourself and your body. It may not be a quick and easy process but you can reach the finish line if you keep going, just taking everything one day at a time.